"God Alone Is Enough"
Sometimes, I think I'm doing pretty good in the vulnerability department. I know that the life I want to live, and am called out to live, requires vulnerability. Even this online space will only work if I am vulnerable with my readers; but guys, sometimes, knowing and wanting and doing and being are not the same. Or is that just for me?
My sweet son is turning 2 years old today. I have been a mother for 2 years, plus those 40 weeks and 4 days before I met him. My experience of mothering thus far has been truly glorious, so very hard, and deeply rich. I have learned more of what it means to become less and I have grown in ways I hadn't imagined a tiny person could cause.
I've always had some aversions to writing about motherhood on the internet. "I don't want to be a mom-blogger," I told my husband over and over during my pregnancy and the first year of mom-life. I don't have anything against "mom-blogs." I have read and been thankful for many of them. I think I was afraid of losing myself and I wanted to write about other things.
I had no idea how consumed I would be by motherhood. It's not an obsession. It's not a loss of self. It's just that motherhood has changed me thoroughly. It's that I LOVE my son from and in every compartment of my soul and spirit. I realized, if I am going to share my life and learning on the internet, I am going to share my motherhood. They cannot be separated.
I now feel compelled to share pieces of story here, but nothing in the world has ever made me feel so vulnerable and, if I'm honest, afraid. I wonder what you will think and how you may judge me.
I am here today to declare...
I am letting go. I am showing up. I am pursuing presence, living in the now and being sensitive to the Lord in me each moment. I am pursuing presence by trusting the Lord with whatever happens next. I am acknowledging that control is not for me to have or hold. I am choosing authenticity and letting go of what people may or may not think. (Thanks Brene Brown!)
You will probably be kind. I will probably discover unexpected places of love and support. You might tell me I'm wrong. I might be wrong. That's okay. I cling to Jesus. Sometimes, I cling to my own image or my rightness or what you think of me, but those are not my lot and I don't want to hold them anymore. They only bring death. I want Life. I want to eat, drink, breath, and share Life. I cling to Jesus.
I read a prayer recently that really struck a chord. I wrote it on a paper and taped it to my mirror because I need it in my face and heart.
It's too easy to be disturbed or frightened these days. I don't want to be anymore. I don't need to be anymore. I cling to Jesus and will lack nothing. God alone is enough.
He is enough to be my Source in parenting and writing and all of life. He is enough when I face rejection or correction. He is enough if no one ever cares what I share. He is enough if the whole world decides I am crazy and stupid. He is enough if I, in fact, AM crazy and stupid.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
I guess I just wanted to share this today because I don't think I am the only one who feels this way. Your thing might not be motherhood or your writing, but I bet you have a thing -- an area that you are resisting some vulnerability. Showing up and being vulnerable where we feel led won't solve all the world's problems, but it might change something for someone, and I know that it will change me. It always does. So let's do this. Will you join me in truly believing that God IS, in fact, ENOUGH?!